[upbeat electronic music]
♪ ♪
[squeak]
[cash register dings]
Hey, Mike, I heard from Rosa you guys broke up,
and I know we haven't hung out in a bit.
Just wanted you to know I... I got your back, bud.
Oh, yeah, thanks, man, appreciate it.
Yeah, hey, you know, I know it's cheesy,
but I brought you Josh's patented cheer-up kit.
Mm-hmm, sweet, could you, uh,
bring it down and throw it in the hot air balloon?
Hot air balloon?
- Mike! - Mike!
[chuckling]
Thank you all so much for coming!
Now that I am single, I have decided to embark
on a journey most bold:
to have sex with every woman in the world!
Mike! [laughter]
Do you really think you can romance
the legendary mountain women of Burma?
I shall be "mountain" all the women of Burma.
Huzzah! [laughter and cheers]
Is it true you plan to visit the queen in Buckingham Palace?
I'll be bucking her ham palace.
- Huzzah! - The man's a hero!
What a swell guy.
Mike, I got... I got a question.
Aren't you at all upset about Rosa?
I mean, it seemed like you were pretty into her.
Look, Josh, Rosa's cool,
but man just isn't wired for monogamy.
I mean, do you think cavemen were in long-term,
committed relationships? Of course not!
They were in sex balloons!
I... I don't think that's right.
Oh, sure it is. Read Dan Savage.
Farewell, gents!
Thank you, Yang.
Soft hands, Yang.
You've been using my lotion, I see.
[chuckling] Jesus Christ.
[triumphant fanfare]
Should have asked Mike about the ladies
of Lake Titicaca.
He would have had a good one for that.
Probably.
So much for Columbia Journalism School.
200K down the shitter!
Okay, see you.
[downtempo electronic music]
♪ ♪
Ah!
♪ ♪
[squeaks]
♪ ♪
[growls]
♪ ♪
Synced and corrected by OussLP - www.addic7ed.com
- Hey, Josh. - Hey.
Don't mind me, just filling the old water bottle.
I don't mind that because I'm very pro-hydration.
Okay!
Hi! [laughs]
You want to go hit that donut truck again?
I can't, really, right now I... [clears throat]
I got monthly expense reports.
All right, well, would have been fun to hang.
Yeah, well, uh, sorry to keep you hanging.
- [laughs] - 'Cause... [laughs]
Oh, my gosh.
Well, Mike and, uh, Rosa both seem over the breakup.
Really? Already?
Yeah, no, he's already off chasing girls, as per.
- Yep. - And, uh, yeah,
she seems pretty good whenever we hang out.
Wait, you're hanging out with her?
Yeah, well, I just mean, like, we work together,
so she, like, asks me to have lunch
or texts me a funny YouTube link or something.
You don't think she's, like, putting out signals, do you?
- Definitely not, no. - Yeah, no.
- She wouldn't be doing that. - No.
- No way. - No.
Why would she? She's a pal.
- That's it. - That's it.
Just a colleague.
[bus departing]
Jesus! Hey, watch where you're going.
- Jesus... what... - Asshole!
The hell?
_
[ominous music]
[camera shutter clicking]
[metal creaks]
Ah!
[metal door slams]
- Wearing a wire? - No.
I can't be too safe. I got a lot of enemies.
You got enemies, who? Who are you?
They call me "Spider." You know what a spider spins?
[laughs] Truth!
What... what truth is that?
Rosa is into you, man!
Ha-ha-ha!
No, okay, that's a very creative theory.
It's fun to think about. I've done it myself.
It has been conclusively debunked.
All right, I tried to kiss her, and she turned me down.
And then she dated my best friend, like,
I... I don't have a chance with her!
And the CIA had nothing to do with Dallas, ha-ha!
- All right, I... I'm going home. - Wait!
You don't want to miss the big show-and-tell!
- Huh? - Curtains, please, Dreyfus.
Dreyfus?
The mouse did that?
8:48 a.m. today: she's touching your arm.
11:11 a.m.: another touch, same arm.
12-oh-12 p.m.: different arm, double touch.
Are you beginning to see the pattern?
Rosa touches my arm when she laughs at my jokes.
Let's talk about those jokes, Joshua.
Let's venture down that rabbit hole, hmm, hmm?
Yeah, well, uh, sorry to keep you hanging.
[Rosa laughs]
Aha. Where's the joke, Joshua?
Oh, uh, I was doing a little twist on the word "hang."
I heard the twist, but a twist doesn't make a good joke, hmm!
[shouting] If you can tell me one thing
that you said to her that is even remotely funny,
I will walk away from all of this.
I will buy a suit. I will join the rat race.
I will sign up for the country-club dance, ha-ha!
All right, I think we're done here, bud.
Wait! Solve this riddle, Joshua.
If she's not into you, why does she walk past
your desk every day?
To get more water from the water cooler!
Get more water from the water cooler... well, then,
check the water cooler, man.
Check the water cooler!
[suspenseful music]
Oh, my God.
Hey, uh, Vincent, how long has this water cooler been empty?
That's been broken for months.
[suspenseful music builds]
♪ ♪
- Hi, Josh. - Oh, God!
- Hey. - Hi.
[both groaning]
So I'm gonna go, uh...
Work at my desk.
[laughs]
[horror music pounds thrice]
So she wasn't filling up her water bottle;
that was just an excuse for her to walk past my desk
and talk to me.
Rosa's into me!
Hallelujah, the blind man has learned to see!
Now we're gonna blow the lid wide open.
We're gonna take this all the way to the Internet.
We're gonna sing it to the "Washington Post,"
the AP, the CNN...
[machine gun firing]
Oh!
[machine gun firing]
[groans]
Spider.[car screeching off]
Spider?
Are you okay?
[dramatically] No!
[phone chimes]
_
[laughing]
Hey, Rosa.
Hey, Josh.
Do you maybe want to grab a drink with me tomorrow?
I'd love to.
Cool.
Sounds good to me.
All right, see you tomorrow, Rosa, bye-bye.
♪ It's inevitable ♪
[phone buzzing]
[flustered sigh]
Mike?
- How's the trip going? - Ah, cut it short.
I'm actually heading back home right now.
Uh, why?
Honestly, I just can't stop thinking about Rosa.
We flew through the Andes this morning,
and all I could do was stare at her Instagram.
And I know I was putting on some front like I didn't care,
but I totally care, man.
Oh, so, so you... you still like her?
I don't like her, dude, I love her.
- [speaking Chinese] - [speaking Chinese]
Get rid of it. We got... we got to move.
Yeah, no, I'm, like, crazy about her... like, obsessed, heh.
Anyway, keep an eye on her for me, buddy.
- Well, uh... - Love you, okay.
Why'd you dump that out?
So let me pose a interesting hypothetical situation.
Let's say there's a guy, normal guy who likes a girl...
You can't go out with Rosa.
- She's into me. - Nope.
She's been flirting with me like crazy and, like,
we're going out for drinks, so.
Josh, this would destroy your relationship with Mike.
It is a tricky one.
It's not a tricky one!
This is... you should not do this. It's a horrible idea.
Lot of... lot of moving parts to consider.
You're really... you're not gonna listen to me, are you?
At least listen to the infallible prophet, Tiresias.
Josh, you must abandon this quest!
My God, Tiresias, you know, just because
you're an ancient blind prophet doesn't mean you have be
such a downer all the time.
My prophecy is written in stone!
Are you doing that thing, the... the blabbing hand?
I can't see it, but I can feel it, you know.
We're not trying to hurt you.
I mean, it's just coming from a bit of, like,
"you guys know better than I do about my own life" place.
- We weren't. - No, that's not it.
- We don't want you to get hurt. - Yeah.
You know, 'cause when you get hurt, we're hurt.
- Yeah, that's right. - That's fair.
You know, we feel it, and I don't want to go through that.
Thanks, guys.
Look, I would love to say, "Go for Rosa,"
but I can't because the gods have been super clear
that this will end in doom.
Believe me, you don't want doom.
And we don't want doom for you.
Neither of us do, so come on, kiddo!
This is some straight talk from the Ti-ster.
You got to abandon this quest.
- Well said. - Yeah, thank you.
- To good friends... - Mm-hmm.
And good decisions.
- That's a very loaded toast. - Well.
So you gonna listen?
- Yeah, maybe you're right. - Mm.
Maybe you're right.
[Mexican music playing]
Mmm!
Mm.
Thank you.
[smacking lips]
[laughs]
Tart. Sour apples.
- More margaritas? - Ayya.
Ay-ya!
[laughs]
Ay-ya!
[laughs]
Sorry, sorry.
Rosa, oh, no, no, no, before you say anything...
- Oh, my God! - Before you say anything...
No, no, no, no.
What are you doing here?
I saw on Instagram that you're at this bar,
and I... I missed you so much, I just...
You really shouldn't have.
Wait a second, are you, like, with somebody?
[imitating Mexican music]
Josh?
Um, hey... hey.
- Wha... are you kidding me? - Shh!
Last night when I was baring my soul to you,
that whole time you were skeezing and feeling up on Rosa?
There's a lot of moving parts...
- Unbelievable, man! - There's a lot of moving parts.
[dishware breaking]
Right, okay, uh...
We told him to abandon this quest.
Honey, if I had eyes, I'd roll them.
[thunder cracks]
Mike! Wait, just let me explain.
Look, there's nothing to explain!
I... I told you I loved her, and you betrayed me.
Wait a second, it's not like you had
some special claim on her.
You... you had your chance!
And what happened? You blew it.
Oh, my God, that is it, man. Let's go!
- You want to go? - Yeah.
All right, let's go.
[rock music]
I summon Ultra Mike!
I summon Ultra Josh!
[both yelling]
[whooshing]
Red stone activation.
[plays Ocarina scale]
Melody recognized.
♪ ♪
[levers gnashing]
[buttons beeping]
♪ ♪
[ominous music]
[robots powering up, people screaming]
Sweet mama.
Fighting robots!
[people screaming]
No!
I will destroy you, Ultra Josh.
You are the one who will become destroyed.
At any moment, these two enemies will unleash a barrage
of violence that will destroy them and the city.
She wasn't your girlfriend anymore, man.
Still a huge betrayal!
You want to talk about betrayal?
I was on track with Rosa
until you showed up and did your whole
"cool guy Mike" routine
to overshadow me like you always do.
Wait, what are you talking about?
Here comes the violence.
[robot gears turning]
Destruction!
[birds chirping]
It's always been that way, man; it's always been
"awesome leader" Mike and
"kid brother" Josh
who never gets the girl.
Whoa.
[sentimental piano music]
[robot gears turning]
Dude, I had no idea you were feeling all this pain.
Why didn't you just unburden yourself and tell me?
Because you're my best friend, Ultra Mike.
And I guess that's why I bottled it all up,
because I'm scared to death of losing you.
Shoot your lasers!
Let's go!
I feel the same way about you, Ultra Josh.
[whooshing]
[crying]
[Martin Courtney's "Awake" playing]
♪ If the past is past is just the point ♪
[whooshing, buttons beeping]
[crying]
♪ If you're past the point of trying ♪
♪ And what will be will be ♪
♪ ♪
♪ And I just need you here with me ♪
You know what?
We can't let this thing with Rosa get between us.
Our friendship's more important.
You're right, man.
So I guess there's only one solution.
[exhales] We let her decide.
One shall stand. One shall fall.
Rosa, who is it going to be?
I don't want to date either of you morons!
Oh.
Huh.
You've been fighting over me all day,
and it is extremely patronizing, let me tell you!
I mean, Josh!
I'm not attracted to you!
Oh.
I tried to make it work! Your head is really big!
You're a nerd!
And, Mike!
You scare the shit out of me!
Okay.
And these stupid robot suits?
[grunting mockingly]
Hit each other or something!
[blows raspberry]
Yeah.
All right, um.
You want to get, like, a smoothie or something?
Yeah, I could [bleep] with a smoothie right now.
I'm doing a lot of goji berries lately; you ever try those?
Yeah, no, they keep coming up in my Twitter feed.
What are goji berries?
I guess they're, like, some kind of berry, or something.
I just have to say this is a sad day for robot fighting
and for this city.
[laughing]
You are a fiend for new berries.
Let's go get some smoothies, pal.
[rock music]
[knocking]
Oh.
Josh.
Hi... how you doing, Spider?
- Well, you know, pretty bad. - Yeah.
- 12 bullets to the chest. - Jesus.
- Baker's dozen down below. - Ugh.
But it's all worth it because you and Rosa
are finally together as a couple.
Yeah... that... uh... that didn't actually work out.
[very weak moaning] What?
Yeah, but Mike and I are friends again!
Who the [bleep] is Mike?
That's my best friend.
Well, that's kind of a happy ending, I guess.
Mr. Spider, your test results came in, and, uh...
- Uh - Huh?
I'm afraid you're definitely gonna die.
Oh.
Well.
I got you... uh... a... a gift bag, uh.
Oh, no, you don't have to do that.
Yeah, yeah, there's, uh, some, uh, rocky road ice cream,
and, um... a bear, so.
Well, look, Josh, the only gift that I need
is your friendship and your presence in the room right now.
Josh?
[heart monitor flatlines]
[laughter]
Ah, you guys, this has been a crazy year.
- Yeah. - Crazy.
- Wow. - Crazy year.
We fought; we loved; we laughed; we learned.
You know, guys, it wasn't always easy...
Mm-mm.
But we did it together.
We were together every step of the way this entire year.
Mm-hmm.
And that's how the four of us got through it.
You're right.
It's been so great, Tiresias.
Yeah, thanks for always being there for us.
Oh, speaking of being always there me,
what do you think I should text?
Oh! Um, how many dates is this?
Three... okay, four,
but the first one we just made out in a bar.
Hmm.
Okay, well it should be clever but romantic.
Dick pic, bro.
Or how about... how about this, how about you just text,
"Hey, this is Tiresias. Want to grab a coffee?"
Oh, simple, direct.
The gods are saying it might work.
Hey.
Hey, you're pretty good at this.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm getting better.
♪ It's good to see that look in your eye ♪
♪ I've been a-drifting for a long, long time ♪
♪ I guess you left me drying high ♪
♪ But that's the way it goes ♪
♪ Hey, honey, don't, don't let it tear you apart ♪
♪ You only did what you meant to do, now ♪
♪ It's just the game of the heart ♪
♪ Somebody wins, everybody else loses ♪
[Donald Cumming's "Game of the Heart" playing]
♪ ♪
Synced and corrected by OussLP - www.addic7ed.com
♪ After the lights go down ♪
♪ Everything gets worked out ♪
♪ Everything gets worked out, hey, honey ♪
♪ Don't let it tear you, let it tear you apart ♪